i’m singing the lord is my shepherd this morning while spooning kasher baby cereal and he looks at me with eyes that say, i trust you mommy. and i know, without a doubt, in that moment, that i will never leave him.
he will leave me, yes. but i will never leave him. he might become addicted to drugs. he might walk away from the faith. he might lose his job and resort to alcohol and end up on the streets. he might fall in love with a man. but i will never ever leave him.
“you can’t get rid of me,” i whisper into his mop of blond hair and he nods, sips milk from his cup and when he hugs me now, he clings to my neck tight so i can’t let go, even if i try.
and i know i would never try. because he is my son. and if he’s on the streets, hungry and cold, i will be sitting beside him, wrapping a blanket around him and if he doesn’t want to come home with me, i’ll make my home with him. wherever he goes, i will go, because i love him. but more than that. i represent Love to him. i represent God and goodness and light.
i wipe the cereal from his mouth and pick him up. he’s naked except for his diaper and his flesh is warm and his heart is beating so beautifully and rhythmically. in this moment it is so easy to be with him. but even when it’s not, even when it’s gut-wrenchingly hard, even when his flesh gets wrinkled and scars form and life does its worst, i will never, ever let go.
this, i promise.