it is hard to believe in good when children suffer. when little ones hurt, i have more questions than answers. but here, joann helps me, in a world of tear-stained cheeks, to trust that one day, everything will be okay, and that God does exist even when evil seems to be winning.

For a long time, I’ve been haunted by children.

The unwanted, tragically neglected or starved.

I carry them in the pocket next to my heart, and they escape and ask me for help when the night falls and I’m alone and quiet.

I’ve asked God why He allows it. I’ve cried and asked Him questions about fertility and world population, about murder and abuse. I thought of all the tragic stories ever told. I thought of generations lost. I thought of darkness.

One night God answered me, His words, The Word, whispered to me, in the dark.

He promised to come back. He promised to return and fix the world, and avenge the blood of the martyrs, to bring justice to the suffering. He will arrive with scars on his body, fire in his eyes, and a big, big sword.

He is coming back, and the starvation, the disease, the abuse will be stopped.

“Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to render to every man according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.”-Revelations 22:12-13

It’s always dark when you think God is dead, and I put him in the grave when babies are in dumpsters. I think I must save them, since no one else seems to be doing it. But, I was never meant or made to save the world. I’m just a messenger, a hope, a light, a shining star.

Here’s my secret: I want to adopt. The homeless, unloved children keep me up at night. I’ve cried over them for a long time, but the doors haven’t opened…yet.

The things that God calls us to are often crazy and backwards. I’m about to have my third boy in a few weeks. I have two children under the age of four. I have a marriage to attend to. I sometimes forget to defrost meat for dinner. I am not good about folding laundry. I’m the opposite of Supermom.

If you’ve ever felt comforted by God in the middle of a comfortless sorrow, you know how strangely peaceful you become even though your external circumstances haven’t changed. You realize it isn’t up to you, and you fly on freedom and trust in a Father who loves.

I put my haunting into Christ’s lap and He turned the nightmare into a dream. My husband and I are still in the discussion arena of adoption, and we both would like to. I would like to adopt…yesterday. I tend to freak out about the lost time, the lost children, etc.

But now I watch things fall into place; attitudes adjust, and hearts soften. It’s not on my timeline, which revolves around NOW and THIS INSTANT, but I know if I don’t get the opportunity to adopt a child there’s Someone who will be there to wipe their tears away…someday…soon.

He’s coming back, and I’m 100% positive that child abuse angers him more than it angers me. He’ll take care of it.

In the meantime? I’ll trust, obey, and dream about children.

slowly making my way through your imperfect prose…. how you bless me. xo