i could see he was surprised. my husband. i’d sat him down and said, “i was thinking of announcing this on the blog so i thought i should ask you first…”

and i could see the questions in his eyes, and then i told him, “i think we should share that we’re trying to have another baby.”

and blink. “why? are you sure that’s blog-worthy?”

and me realizing, once again, that i’m not completely normal.

it isn’t normal to be so open. but i am. and i really feel convicted that we should be. we Christians should be the most open people because what do we have to hide? we live in light. and so, even when we got pregnant with our first child, whom we miscarried at eight weeks, we told people. and with Aiden, too, before the required three months, and before Kasher’s trimester was over too because i wanted prayer.

i believe in prayer, and i believe God has a plan for every family. i believe he knows how many children, and their destinies, before they’re born. i believe all of their little souls are lined up in heaven to be deposited into their human bodies. and each of those souls has a name. that’s right, God has a name for each of us, a heaven-name, kind of like Saul became Paul, and Simon became Peter.

so we’re trying to have another baby, but not because three is a magical number. it’s because of THIS post, the one in which i told you about the dream Trent and i had one year ago. the dream of a little girl. and i’m terrified. i’m terrified of trying for another child, and having one of you, dear readers, lose faith because i told you i dreamed of a little girl but in fact, i give birth to a little boy.

but like i told you, i’m open. both Trenton and i SAW a little girl, and we believe she is in our future, but we don’t know how. and if we conceive a little boy, we’ll believe he’s part of our future too.

and maybe we won’t conceive either, and then we’ll look at adopting.

and i was reading this last night:

“do you realize that a part of every single one of us resided inside our maternal grandmother’s uterus, even before our own mothers were born?… female fetuses already contain all the eggs that the newborn child will ever have. what that means, practically speaking, is that when your mother was just a fetus inside her mother, she already had developed one of the eggs that eventually became you!” (taking charge of your fertility, toni weschler, mph)

i read this a dozen times and each time the Lord wove his banner of love over me, wove it far and near for me to see how beautiful this long garland of women, this long stretch of arms embracing the world: we belong to one another. we are HOME to each other.

and my daughter’s daughter might reside in me right now.

just as i resided in my grandmother. 

oh friends. does it get more miraculous?

so here, we have four crazy boys piled in our living room every second weekend (just to keep giving their mom a break)… but during the week, our home has shrunk back to “normal” and it feels full again, just with two, yet there’s the dream. and so we’re asking you to pray…

for the right child to fill the extra chair we have set around our table.

*linking this with The Gypsy Mama whose word today is AFRAID