i cried in the parking lot, Kasher in the back seat and Jesus Loves Me on the stereo. and i wanted to shut it off, but i couldn’t. for the Bible tells me so, tells me he loves me in spite of my doctor finding a lump in my breast just days after my mother in law found cancer in hers.
and he said it was movable and i shouldn’t be worried, but to get a mammogram right away. and i picked up my two-month-old and held him harder than i’ve ever held any person and begged God be kind. for i am but flesh to two small children and a husband i adore, and this world is all i know.
and i cried despite knowing it is most likely nothing, because, for my mother in law and countless others, it became something, and the stereo played Jesus Loves Me. and for the Bible tells me so wasn’t enough anymore.
for this mama is all my sons know. and i want to be love incarnate for my children. for my husband. as long as i am here to be it, i want to be more grace, more tender, more embracing than angry, than punishing, than busy. for it is just a lump, but what if? and so, to live each day as if…
placed around my house, words to remind myself: believe, faith, hope, love, and arriving home, i stared at them, imprinted them on my soul, that they would pray themselves through my touch, my voice, my life… for these children, these tiny beings, are eternal ones. whose souls will dance with mine long after we’re gone.
and i hummed the song and i believed the song, even as my husband held me and let me cry. and these, the words: Jesus loves me this i know… for my heart, it tells me so.
(thank you for prayers, friends… i go for my mammogram monday… will let you know by wednesday the results. so sorry for all of the sad posts lately; joy, to come with the morning… )