we’ve taken turns quitting over the past nine months, since taking these boys in, last february.

and it’s been a ripping at the seams, of our finely hemmed lives. but with the ripping there comes mending. and we’ve found it in the mercy of each other. in the way we alternate mornings with the boys so the other can sleep, and when it feels like our house is falling down on us and i’ve picked up the phone to tell their mom we can’t do it anymore, or trent’s gone for a drive late at night because we’ve fought because we’re so tired we can’t see straight, mercy is there to lead us home.

mercy looks a lot like a glass of wine some evenings. or a massage. or like joey tearing his boots and coat off after i’ve sent him outside, running up the stairs and straight into my arms and saying, “i just had to give you a hug.” mercy looks like jin asking us to read him a bible story every night before bed. it looks like the three eldest boys gathered like a choir around kasher’s crib singing him Jesus Loves Me.

i’ve lost weight, and i look tired. i know, it’s scary to hear a former anorexic talking about losing weight, but the thing is, i didn’t want to this time. i’m just run ragged. and i’m eating more trying to put back the pounds especially since my book is out now on eating disorders and i want to set a good example.

and every mother needs to learn how, to take care of herself before she can care for her kids. for her husband. so this morning i snuck in a few chords on the guitar. last night we had friends over and played a game. and even though i woke up with joey twice last night (he was having nightmares) and he lied to us this morning, and jin was hitting everyone and it seemed like we’d gotten nowhere in the past nine months, i went and drank my coffee while it was still hot and read my bible and prayed. and then i sat with joey on his bunk bed and talked to him about how God has a special plan for his life. and i held jin close and kissed him.

our time is nearing. tomorrow, i am going with the boys’ mother to talk to the christian adoption agency about finding a godly couple who can’t have kids of their own, who might want two beautiful, unruly brothers. but we’re just talking right now. their mother hasn’t made up her mind. she has until the end of november. and we aren’t going anywhere. we’re here, but we also know, everyone is tiring. “it feels like they’re ready to move out,” trent said this morning, after we’d doled out another time-out.

i know it will mean another tearing at the seams for everyone. i know i will gasp my way through some days, not knowing if we’ve done enough, or the right thing. i know aiden and kasher will ask endless questions about “where joey and jin?”, and not know how to play without their new brothers. i know. but i also know that sometimes serving God looks like clinging. and sometimes it looks like letting go.

there is a season, turn, turn, turn…

(pray for me, for their mom, for all of us as we try to do what’s best for these boys and for our own family too? thank you friends.)

*linking with laura, ann and michelle