tonight we found Jin in the bathtub after we’d put his pajamas and diaper on. trent and i just kind of looked at each other and then looked at the bathtub and then walked away.
then we did rock-paper-scissors to see who had to change him, again.
but there was this morning, and Joey, singing Jesus loves me in the kitchen while i made him chocolate toast (nutella on whole wheat) and Trent and i just kind of looked at each other again. because a little boy had found God beneath our roof and it was nothing short of miraculous. so we just kind of stared, because that’s what you do when you’re witnessing the incredible.
Joey sings, and talks, a lot about Jesus, as though God’s a new kind of superhero and he just can’t get enough of him. “Does Jesus make toys?” he asked this morning, and I said, “No,” and Joey looked disappointed. And then, “My friends, in the city, they don’t know about Jesus. I hope they can meet him.”
and i told him we’d all meet Jesus when we died and went to heaven, and he looked very seriously at me. “my mommy says she doesn’t want me to die,”
and i felt so awful, because i’d brought up death while he was eating his chocolate toast.
“oh honey,” i stammer, “of course not. i don’t want you to die, either. but the good thing is, one day, in heaven, we’ll all be together and we’ll eat chocolate toast and drink chocolate milk and there will be no more bad guys.”
he looked down at his green pajamas with the hole in the knee. “will mommy be there?” he said, looking up then. i swallowed, and i believed hard. “yes, we’ll all live there together. in one big house. you’ll never have to be away from your mommy again.”
and sometimes these questions and these pajamas-in-the-bath get too much but there’s always grace. there’s always someone at the door offering a hand or trent arriving home or the boys suddenly getting along, and this happened the other morning when i felt like my head was going to explode. they all just up and went downstairs, leaving me and my baby.
and i took Kasher in my arms, my beautiful, chubby Kasher, who just sits and smiles at me all day long, and i held him close and we danced together in the kitchen, me in my bathrobe. witnessing the incredible.