i was an anxious child, scrunching my eyes when i prayed long lists of names so they might be saved and trying to picture him: this God. and i couldn’t see him, (and maybe that’s why i paint? my face alight like moses’ when i turn from canvas?)

but then, in my second-hand pajamas in my sheets that smelled of clothes-line i could see nothing. and so, i pretended. made God into a man with a long white beard something like santa claus. because i couldn’t pray to someone i couldn’t see.

and now in my bed beside a man who smells of speed stick i utter words to a God i cannot see, and who seems to not be listening.

for two weeks now, prayers of a weary woman trying to find sleep and it, a ghost. and one night, telling God, i don’t want to take medication, but i’m going to have to, if i can’t sleep on my own, and i know you can heal me so tonight, give me rest?–and that, the worst night of all.

knowing hormones and pregnancy and all this, a part, but believing God bigger, my mustard seed is dwindling

and yesterday i sat in my chair and cried, thinking of bedtime, and trent took my hand and we walked outside into a night that hummed of cicada-summer. we visited our garden, our triangular bed of soil and green and we smelled the tomato plants and pinked at the peonies.

then this man, he looked at this woman, and he said, “it’s going to be okay. look at all that we’ve been given. breathe in this beautiful day. we cannot know the future. we can only know the now. and it is good.”

i think i saw God in that moment.

i know i heard him.

(sharing this humble piece with One Stop Poetry)

PS. friends… just wanted to let you know about a great conference next month for those impacted by eating disorders and body image issues. i’m speaking at it, and can tell you it will be a great time of learning and inspiration for professionals and community members alike. this year’s theme is “A Family Affair” so we’ll be getting into all those fun family dynamics, and learning how to love well in the process of treatment and recovery. it’s at the Glen Eyrie Castle in Colorado Springs June 15-18. click here to see a slideshow from last year, see this year’s schedule, and to register.