Jesus was destined to disappoint.

he says this from the pulpit, and i see her, the girl who sits in the front row with her mother. the girl with no hair and no leg, who’s lost everything to chemo, and yet, she’s in church.

the children march in with palm branches waving, and i think i would have been disappointed too.

because i am. “i’m tired of sad stories,” i told my friend the other day. “i don’t know if i can handle any more.”

but we always do. we just don’t feel like we can.

and i finally get it, sitting there listening to the preacher talk of Jesus letting his people down. i finally understand why they’d wanted Barabbas released, and Jesus, put behind bars. Barabbas was willing to give them what they’d wanted. Jesus was not. Jesus was going to die, and how was that helping them at all?

in their eyes, Jesus had lied. he’d come, saying he was God, and he would deliver them, and then here he was, refusing to stand up for himself. letting himself be killed. yes, i would have been disappointed too.

i am disappointed. that God isn’t who i think he should be. that he lets young mothers die from sudden brain tumors when their child has just celebrated his first birthday. that he lets west Africa starve. that he allows tsunamis and Hiroshimas and cruel dictatorships and child molestors. that he doesn’t rise up and fight back, more often.

“God doesn’t give us what we want. He gives us what we need,” the preacher says, and i shift in my church clothes.

do i only serve him because i expect to be blessed?

do i wave my palm branches expecting God to be someone he isn’t?

and when i stand at the cross, staring up at a shrunken beaten body–not knowing what i know now, that Jesus would eventually rise and dominate–do i see a dead man? or do i see a King?

(linking up with Laura, Jen, Michelle and Ann)

*thankful for this:

741. snowboarding in banff with trent
742. visiting with family
743. a quiet week with my boys
744. friends who stand up for me
745. anne lamott’s “plan b: further thoughts on faith”
746. a new york art gallery wanting to represent me
747. an agent who wants to meet me
748. a husband who takes me outside and shows me new patches of spring on our lawn
749. a slew of toys and birthday presents bought a big garage sale
750. the gift of a community dinner theater, and night out with my husband